Vol 3. Chapter 8 - BOGOF and other bargains

My mother had a mania for Buy One Get One Free and other bargains, whether she needed them or not. No matter, it is a bargain not to be missed.

She would think nothing of spending petrol money and driving 20 miles to a farm shop to buy eggs because they there “cheap”.

My mum and dad had a particular a penchant for buying things out of newspapers. (My dad believed everything he read in Daily Express and read it thoroughly from the price on the front page to the name of the printers on the back.)

Among the many “bargains” were:

• ·       “Collectable” life-like dolls that breathe, mass produced in China. Mum believed                            they would be worth a lot of money in the future.
• ·       Watches
• ·       Rings
• ·       Sewing machines
• ·       Knitting machines
• ·       Aquariums
• ·       Buy one get one free from Supermarkets
• ·       Boxes of broken biscuits
• ·       Donuts
• ·       Bottles of Whiskey
• ·       Flavoured liqueurs
• ·       Liqueur chocolates
• ·       Boxes of chocolates

Most of these things she would pass on to me when she got bored with them or suddenly remember that she was a diabetic.

She gave us boxes of frozen cod and smoked haddock that were a bargain but the fillets were frozen in one large lump so that we had to defrost the whole lot and eat it asap. The first box of smoked mackerel (individually frozen) was a real treat. By the time my parents moved from Lowestoft, we were struggling to eat it all. Having overdosed on it. to this day I can’t eat smoked mackerel.  The last box sat in our freezer for quite a while until we hosted a buffet supper for a group of East German young people. They loved it.

My dad once worked at an abattoir (as an accountant). On one occasion when they came to visit us, they kindly brought a huge bag of frozen stewing beef. Unfortunately by the time they arrived (midnight) it had defrosted on the journey from Cornwall to Lowestoft (450 miles). Jan had to deal with it all before it went off as well as cope with a new born baby and having them to stay.

They loved a bargain and would happily haggle with anyone for anything. Car boot sales, junk shops, jumble sales always gave them a great sense of pride that they’d managed to get a “bargain”. They once gave us a radio cassette player that didn’t work. The fact that it didn’t work didn’t matter – it was a Bargain!

Whenever they came to visit they would ask after the bargains they’d given to us. Once we decided to be brave and get rid of some of the junk they’d given to us. We gave them to a friend who was selling things at a car book sale. We hadn’t counted on my parents suddenly moving to be near us, going to the car boot sale and recognising the stuff they’d given to us. My parents were always very generous in giving us the second hand things they no longer wanted, but were easily offended if you declined of gave the things away to a car boot sale!

Second hand furniture shops were also a source of bargains. Because they moved so often, second hand shops were a regular source of bargain furniture. It was not unknown for them to move into a house and for mum to decide that the carpet  didn't match the three-piece suit. So they’d change the carpet, only to discover that the curtains no longer matched the carpet, and so she’d change the curtains. They then discover that the three-piece suit didn't  match the curtains and buy another three-piece suit. In move 41 they went through 3 sets of furniture before mum was happy. (One set of furniture got returned and was blamed on me. We didn’t know this until, by coincidence, we went into the same shop to buy something. Mum and Dad had told the shop that WE had insisted the furniture be returned. The man in the shop was very irate with us because of all the inconvenience we’d caused by making him collect the unwanted furniture.

Cheap Holidays advertised in the Daily Express were another source of bargains. These could be holidays in caravans that were parked on the edge of steep cliffs that swayed in the wind or luxury Christmas breaks with full board and live cabaret in Blackpool. This offer actually turned out to be a cheap hotel in a back street of Blackpool.  Expecting to spend a Luxury Christmas with people of “quality”, my mother had packed a selection of her finest dresses and jewellery. Imagine her horror when she came down to breakfast Christmas morning to be greeted by a dining area decorated in the style of a Chinese brothel, large men in their vests (underwear) tucking into egg and bacon, and heavily made up old women with their “toy boys”. On top of all this they were “Northern” and barely comprehensible.  The “Cabaret,” as it turned out, was a trip to the workingman’s club 100 yards away down the street. Mum and Dad left before breakfast the next day.

For their 60^th Anniversary, I arranged a full-scale family get together. My sisters were to fly in from Scotland. New Zealand and California. We were to take my parents to London and we would all stay together for a long weekend in a hotel. Having taken months to plan it, Mum and Dad backed out. A long weekend wasn’t really long enough, so they cancelled.  Fortunately, no one had booked their flights.  In the end, mum & dad found a Bargain holiday at a hotel in Fort William in Scotland. If they had checked the reviews on TripAdvisor they would have realised why it was a “bargain”.

After a long trip from the highlands, my wife and I saw the sign for the hotel and thought it ideal for the town to walk in and eat... after booking in and finding our room what a shock! It smelt of damp, had mildew on curtains, walls, and after one night had our clothes in the wardrobe smelling of damp! The window ledges were soaking wet, which I cleaned and dried myself and next morning the bathroom roof was leaking and the floor was soaking! also the shower had black mould growing in many places... all in all 1 night was 1 night too many never ever again, the only redeeming factor was the staff who were all pleasant and courteous ... if anyone should use this hotel do NOT !!! book into room 54 it is awful!!!

My brother-in-law wrote the following on TripAdvisor

My wife and I stayed at the hotel with my wife’s parents who were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary, and it will be remembered for all the wrong reasons. One member of staff, in particular was extremely rude and discourteous, although I must say that most were very pleasant. The food was disgusting, I must admit it’s the first time I have seen brown broccoli, other than in the rubbish bin.  Rooms were filthy, our room had mould on the walls and shower, and a filthy towel stuffed between the window and cistern, with used cotton buds lying on top of the towel.  My parents in law who’s room was “the best room in the hotel” was a death trap, extension sockets screwed to the window sill, cables trailing along the floor, the sash windows could not open as the ropes were cut, and to top it all, whenever you turned the heating thermostat up and down, it turned the bedside lamp on and off.  When I reported this to the polish night porter, he just shrugged his shoulders and said, “It is an old building”.

The only person I would recommend to this Adams Family house of horrors would be a demolition contractor. So if you are thinking of booking into this place, BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID.

And to think they could have spent this special occasion with all their children.

Thinking about it, it was very rare for mum and dad to stay to the end of a holiday anywhere. They normally found something they didn’t like about the place and came home early, except of course when they were abroad, and had to stay to the return flight.

A Bargain holiday to Cyprus turned out to be a villa in the middle of a building site. Theirs was the only villa completed and inhabited. There were no pavements, no street lights. They were miles from anywhere. Having paid for the holiday they abandoned the villa and rented an apartment as they awaited their flight home.

But whilst abroad they made every effort to maintain their English eating habits, going to Greek tavernas and ordering a full English breakfast, or a steak and chips. It is amazing how they can eat the same thing every day.  When I joined them on their holiday in Cyprus, I tried my hardest to get them to try the local food. Dad would always say, “Aubergines? That’s all we ate in the war and I can’t eat another one.” or “Foreign food upsets my stomach”. It’s no fun being on holiday with two elderly people both suffering from incontinence. They thought they would like to try Halva, a confection made of ground almonds. The rate of exchange meant that this was a “bargain” so  they stock piled loads of packets only to discover that they didn’t like it.  They also bought themselves some bargain leather suitcases and left me to bring their old suitcases home. The only way I could do this was to pack my suitcase (containing the unwanted Hulva) inside their suitcase.  When I returned to the UK everyone’s luggage appeared on the carousel except mine. After a long wait mine eventually popped up. As I picked up my case I was jumped on by a group of armed officers from Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs  and hauled off for questioning on suspicion of smuggling crack cocaine into the country.