1 April 2011
Dad got the results of his scan. No cancer, just a lesion on
his spine. No further action required. Why do they mention the word
"cancer" before they have properly investigated?
2 April 2011
Dad is up to his old tricks and watching Bid-up TV. Another
watch came to day. The third that I know of (I have the other two in my bedside
top drawer). Today's deep-sea diver's watch (200 m) is so heavy that you can
hardly lift your hand. Goodness knows what all the numbers around the dial
mean.
He has ordered one for mum too. It should arrive on Monday.
Invited parents to our Mother's Day Service. Mum is fretting
about what hat to wear. Apparently, she doesn't have any jeans or a T-shirt as I suggested.
Question. Why would a diabetic have 7 large boxes of chocolates,
A tin of Quality Street sweets, and a large jar of toffees on top of the
wardrobe?
4 April 2011
Mum got the results of her CAT/PT scan today. "No
significant abnormalities". Why did they say it was cancer?
5 April 2011
Mum is becoming increasing unhappy about living in the flat
where they are. She wants a garden! The
fact that she and dad are nearly ninety and can barely look after themselves
let alone a garden in immaterial. I told her that she had a garden; there is a
nice communal garden situated in the courtyard of the apartment block. It has a
patio, chairs, and table. No! She wants her OWN garden. She doesn't want to be
sunning herself outside of someone else’s flat or in full view of all the other
residents. (Surely, she’s not going to go topless)
6 April 2011
An ambulance took dad into hospital this afternoon. He has
pneumonia again!
7 April 2011
Dad’s pneumonia has been downgraded to a chest infection but
his condition has been upgraded to a minor stroke. According to dad is was a
stroke of bad luck. They are monitoring his eating & drinking to make sure
he can swallow properly. I took mum to visit and dad told us that he had the
same consultant as mum. Mum immediately wanted to know if the Consultant had
asked after her. Totally gob smacked when dad said yes. Mum’s head must have doubled in size as she went on about how special she must be to have been
remembered by him. (Sometimes I just think that dad’s just tells her the things
she wants to hear). Anyway, she then went through the whole catalogue of her
illnesses (leaving out Munchausen / Frequent Flyer Syndrome) until I stepped in
and told her we'd really come to visit dad and I wanted to know how HE was!
Today she lost her handbag twice; which I had to recover
from a) the hospital restaurant and b) the disabled ladies toilet.
8 April 2011
Dad had a brain scan today - all OK - there are no blood
clots. The Stroke Nurse is seeing him everyday to assess him. He remains on
"soft" food - a precaution against choking. He'll be in over the weekend.
They are still concerned about his chest. He seems OK in himself. Mum said she
thought dad wasn't disappointed enough about not coming home today.
She gave me a shopping list.
Bread
Butter
Bread.
"Why have you put bread on the list twice?"
"In case you forget", She said.
9 April 2011
Mum
asked about my youngest sister which I mistook for a thawing in her attitude, I
suggested that mum invite my sister to see her when she flies here in July. Oh
Dear. Bad move. Wish I’d kept quiet. She is still going on about the “stolen”
painting.
10 April 2011
Mum took herself off to the hospital to visit dad at 1:30pm. By
the time I arrived at 5:30pm, dad was totally exhausted. Four hours of mum
talking non-stop and not allowing him to have a nap was too much for him. When
I said that he looked tired and that I should take her home so he could get
some sleep, he jumped at the idea. If looks could kill, dad & I would be
dead.
Dad's food is now organized and he is having a special diet.
He is not happy and is being awkward about the food because the hospital
doesn't serve chips.
Eventually I got mum to leave. On the way out mum kept going on about dad not
eating and how he needs to come home so that she can look after him. I reminded
her that despite the lack of chips, dad had eaten heartily: porridge for
breakfast, soup for lunch, etc. She’s not convinced.
Got mum to sit down whilst I spoke to the nurse. She thought
dad was doing OK although tired. I suggested she tell mum not to stay too long.
Mum is proud of the fact that she can stay as long as she likes because she is
“special”. The nurse thought dad could
be out by the end of the week.
Mum then came up and told the nurse how she comes to visit
dad despite being so ill herself, and how she had cancer. The nurse started to
go into sympathetic mode until I put her straight. Mum has a "nodule"
that is too small to worry about. The second look of daggers in 5 minutes.
Suggested to mum that she only visit from 2:30 - 4:30
tomorrow. She is concerned that dad will worry about her. I assured her he will
cope. She said that when dad dies she wants to die. Have started a "send
mum to Switzerland" fund.
11 April 2011
The story so far on dad:
Sometime over the weekend of 2/3 March dad contracted
pneumonia.
The following Tuesday/Wednesday he had a stroke.
Friday 8th he had a small heart attack.
His kidneys are a cause for concern.
The respiratory ward have done all that they can re the
pneumonia.
The consultant is coming tomorrow, he may decide to throw
him out of Respiratory Ward and send him to the Cardiac Ward. At dad’s age,
Cardiac Ward won’t do anything intrusive.
They said that they will only send dad home once the
relevant support has been put in place, Stroke Nurse, Hospice Care Nurse, etc.
Mum is not happy, she wants dad to discharge himself NOW so
that she can take him home and look after him.
12 April 2011
Dad should be out tomorrow! Shame, I've really enjoyed the
hospital restaurant.
13 April 2011
Dad didn't come out today, despite having a phone call saying
that I should come and collect him; further tests were needed. He should be out
Thursday morning. Because they are concerned about his swallowing, they have
given him a strict diet: puréed food only, no tea or coffee, sips of water. Mum
hopes that he "will go first" because who will look after him when
she is not there? I said not to worry, I expect he'll want to remarry.
17 April 2011
Took
mum to the hospital to see dad. She decided that she wanted the hospital to
look at her nebulizer. I explained that it was a Sunday and all hospital
outpatient departments were closed.
When
we got to dad’s ward we saw a sign saying that there was an infection on the
ward and a reminder to use the sanitising hand gel. This wasn't enough for mother. Seeing a pile
of white aprons and surgical gloves she immediately dressed herself up. She
looked like a surgeon about to perform open heart surgery.
Entering
the ward, mother went into Matron Mode and quizzed the other visitors about why
they weren't wearing aprons and gloves. Mum was very proud that she was the
only one wearing medical garb; that was until the Staff Nurse came up and asked
what on earth she was doing and told her to take it all off. Hand wash was just
fine for her and the other visitors. Pride comes before a fall.
I
left mum explaining to a nurse all about her (Frequent Flyer) illnesses and the
need for a nebulizer. I popped in to see dad and then went off to the Hospital
Café so that mum and dad could have time on their own. I went back to collect
mum after 1 ½ hours. No sign of mum. Dad
had not seen her either.
Made
enquiries with the Ward Staff. Had they seen my mother? Apparently mum had been
pestering them about a nebuliser, so after about ¾ of an hour explaining they couldn't help her, they sent her to the Accident and Emergency Dept. They had
also taken her blood pressure. It seemed high so they offered to get a porter
to wheel her down in a wheelchair, but mother had refused.
I
went down to Accident and Emergency and spoke to the receptionist. Yes,
according to their records mum had arrived ¾ hours before and was in the triage
waiting area. When I found her she was FUMING! She told me that she'd been sitting there for 2
hours. I explained that it wasn't two hours because when I checked at Reception,
they had only booked her in ¾ of an hour before. Of course, the receptionist
was wrong.
In the
small, crowded, waiting room she complained about all the people who had
come in after her but who had gone in before her. I explained that the Accident
Department do not have a first come first serve policy, but that they prioritise
people according to need. Well, she hit the roof! She accused me of denying
that she was ill. I explained that I wasn't denying that she was ill, but that
there were people there who were worse off than she was. And anyway, she hadn't come because she was ill but because she couldn't wait until tomorrow to get
her nebulizer seen to, Explosion! She
made a noisy scene in front of all the other people accusing me of all sorts of
things.
I mentioned
that she had not read the notice, six feet away in front of her that said
"Please be patient, we see people according to priority". She
then complained very loudly about children going in before her. I explained
that children were always a priority and went in first. There were embarrassed
looks from parents of distressed, screaming, blood-stained kids.
"Why
are you arguing with me", she said.
"I'm
not arguing. I'm giving you the facts. It is you who are arguing with me."
Eventually
we got in to see a nurse, who as a matter of routine took mother’s blood
pressure. It was high.
I
queried her high blood pressure. At which point mum turned to me and said,
"I've
got high blood pressure because YOU keep arguing with ME. It's your fault -
causing me stress."
"That
can't be true," I said. “Because they took your blood pressure up on the
ward and it was high then before YOU started arguing with ME."
Then
the nurse told me off for allowing my mother to walk so far and that I should
have brought her in a wheelchair! I told
her what had really happened.
By
now, it was 5 o'clock. They sorted out her nebulizer and she still wanted to
visit dad. I explained that visiting time was now over and that she should have
dealt with the nebulizer after she'd visited dad.
"He
will be worried about me if I don't visit."
"He's
not worried about you at all," I said.
"How
do YOU know?"
"Because
I've been up to see him twice this afternoon. He's perfectly content and will
see you tomorrow."
We had
a very quiet drive back home.
19 April 2011
Mother is engaging in prolicide (killing your offspring).
I'm sure she is trying to do me in. She is certainly doing my head in. Some people call her The Vampire - because
she sucks the life out of you. My blood pressure is again through the roof. No
sleep last night because of the pain in my brain. Back to doctors today. They
have now doubled my medication.
Mum has caught a bug (which she claims she caught at the
hospital whilst visiting dad). She has diarrhoea. (This is the only cheerful
bit of the story, and surely some sort of revenge for the way she has
complained about dad being incontinent. Either that or she’s back on the
cabbage diet.)
The Hospital advised her not to visit dad so she wanted me
to go, because dad would be worried about her. Phoned the hospital – they
advised me not to visit either, which I was pleased about because I already had
a thumping headache. They told me to phone back in an hour and speak to Matron
about when dad would come home. Phoned back - consultant not yet done rounds.
Told to phone back after 5pm. Phoned back and was speaking to Matron on the land-line when mum phoned me on my mobile. Matron in one ear - mum in the other. Matron: soothing and reassuring. Mum: ranting and raving about me not going to
the Hospital because dad would be worried about her. I politely said
thank you and goodbye to Matron and dealt with mother.
I did not respond to any of mum's accusations but simply
kept repeating the facts that it was the hospital who’d said no visiting
because of her diarrhoea. I told her that the hospital had also said that I shouldn't visit because I had been in contact with her. I made the mistake of
saying that I had a headache anyway because of my high blood pressure. Mother said that I had deliberately given
myself high blood pressure in order to make her feel guilty. Eventually she slammed the receiver down on
me.
The hospital phoned to say that I could collect dad after all. I phoned mother with the good news. She said she couldn't speak
because she was so out of breath from walking to the shop. No "Goodbye”
she just put the receiver down on me.
Took mum to collect dad. All the way back she went on and on
about wishing they’d never moved to Exmouth. Exmouth have given them cancer.
Exmouth had given them pneumonia, blah, blah, blah. The hospital in Scotland
was so much better and they understood people with tracheotomies.
I think they have been given notice to leave their flat next
year and are already planning their next move. Should I warn my sister that
they are thinking of moving to Scotland for the third time?
20 April 2011
Today mum was very cross with dad. He came out of
hospital yesterday but had had the nerve to stay in bed whilst mum made the
early morning cup of tea. (“Doesn't he know that I'm ill too?”) She moaned that
she’d had to bring his tea all the 10 feet from the kitchen to the bedroom.
She moaned that the nurse hadn't come today. (In fact the
nurse had telephoned to ask how things were and if she should visit and mum
told her a visit wasn't needed.)
She moaned about not having her own garden.
She moaned about dad not being able to drive.
She moaned about her haemorrhoids. (And here I think we are
getting to the bottom of her irritability.)
Dad mentioned about them moving, but mum said they'd be dead soon so it wasn't worth it.
She moaned again about how moving to Exmouth was a big
mistake and how wonderful the hospital in Scotland was. I said that they moved
from Scotland because the weather gave her bad arthritis (that and the fact that she couldn't stand the sight of my sister).
The mention of arthritis set her off again and she moaned
about how painful her legs were. Strange, because my sister had told me that in
Scotland the arthritis had given mum painful arms. (Maybe it's regional? Up the
country = up the body. Lower in the country = lower in the body.)
My eldest sister and youngest sisters are both flying in
from different parts of the world. We are going to spend time together in
Cornwall. Haven’t plucked up courage to tell mother yet. (She’s not speaking to
either of them.)
21 April 2011
Mum seems more confused than usual. She couldn't remember if
she’d eaten today. She also seemed to think that the hospital has sent dad home
to die, because they couldn't do anything for him. I'm not to say anything
because he doesn't know. I tried to reassure her that this wasn't the case - to
no avail. She is in one of her morbid moods. The doctor had been to see dad and
had given him a couple of paracetamol.
Mum also moaned about the Medical Review Nurse coming to
see dad at 8:15am tomorrow. It is too early for mum.
22 April 2011
Mum called me because she was concerned about dad so l went
to visit them. He seemed very poorly. He was bedridden and had a pain in the
neck and head which meant that he was unable to lift his head off the pillow. I
tried to give him some water, put he found it too difficult. I looked through
his discharge notes and discovered that he has chronic kidney disease. Why has no
one told me this? Looking through his medication, they are obviously not
treating him for this condition. He has a chronic heart problem as well. I
called the Out Of Hours Medical Service and asked for a doctor to call.
The discharge notes from the Hospital said that he was
mobile (not true), that he was continent (not true) and that he was a smoker in
the distant past (definitely not true!)
Dad looked and sounded far worse than when he went into
hospital 10 days ago. Mum would like dad to die at home so that she can care
for him. I suggested that whatever happens our priority is to make sure that
dad is comfortable and pain free, even if that meant being in hospital. No, mum wants him to die at home.
She complained that the home care nurses didn't do anything.
"They only stay 5 minutes".
I looked at dad's discharge care plan. The nurses were
supposed to care for dad, but in their notes they’d said that mum had told them
that she was going to care for him and wash/shower dad. I explained that the reason why they
only stay 5 minutes was because she won’t let them do anything.
“Have you given dad the shower you told the nurses you
would?”
“No, he’s too ill for a shower.”
"Why did you tell the nurses that you were going to
shower dad when you knew he was too ill for a shower? Why didn't you tell the nurses
that he was too ill? They would report back to the Surgery and a doctor would
come out.”
Mum started to get very angry and said,
“I’m his wife and I want to care for him.”
“Yes, but I am his son and I want the best possible care for
him too, which means health professionals coming in to feed, dress and wash
dad. When did the Medical Review Nurse come?”
Mum told me that the Medical Review Nurse hadn't come. I
thought this was outrageous and said I would phone the Doctor’s and complain.
Mum went ballistic. Ranting, raging, she forbade me to call the surgery. She
didn't want me interfering and ordered me to leave.
I said, "No, he's my dad and I'm concerned for
him". At which point she stormed out of the room.
I sat and read the rest of the Care Plan. Where it said that mum would shower dad, I
wrote a note saying that she didn't shower him because he was too ill. And
anyway mum was ill herself and couldn't be his carer, and then signed it.
I then phoned the doctor and got the full story. Before I left I spoke
to mum through the bedroom door and I told her what the doctor had said: The
Medical Review Nurse had duly arrived on time at 8:15 this morning and had been refused entrance by mum.
Mum came flying out of the bedroom shouting and screaming.
I am now persona non grata,
28 April 2011
I went to visit mum & dad today and was refused entry. Mum
said that I wasn't welcome.
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