3 March 2013
Out to lunch with friends when, in the middle of the meal, I
had a phone call from mum’s House Manager. Mum keeps pulling the emergency cord
and the out of hour’s doctor is refusing to come out to see her. All the staff
are leaving early, as usual on a Sunday. Can I deal with it?
Phoned mum. Got the same story.
I phoned the hospice nurse and was re-directed to their out
of hours service. I spoke to the nurse who promised to help.
Phoned mum give her an update
The nurse phoned me back. The out of hour’s doctor had not
refused to visit mum. Mum had got through to an answering machine that said that
the line was busy and to phone back, or if an emergency, phone for an
ambulance. Anyway, the nurse had arranged for a doctor to call.
Phoned mum and gave her an update
Nurse phoned me back to say Doctor was on his way, could I
be there when he arrives.
Phoned mum and gave her an update
Left friends’ house and the roast lunch and went to mum’s.
She seemed in a bad way. She was very confused about what medication she should
be taking. I think she is hallucinating because she is convinced that House
Manager phoned her yesterday to tell her that mum’s 13 year old granddaughter
was getting married.
The out of hours doctor arrived eventually. Fortunately, he
was someone who’d been before so was aware of the situation. I hid in the
bathroom whist he examined her; but I was able to speak through the door to
correct or clarify what mum said
Was her bladder working OK? “No”, said mum.
"Stinging" sensation when she pees? No. All OK. The doctor was
discretion itself and asked mum how "Number 2" was. She's not done a
"Number 2" since Friday. He then asked mum if she drank alcohol. There
was an emphatic, “No” from mum. I explained through the door that she kept a
bottle of brandy in the cupboard. Mum said that it was the same bottle that
she’d brought with her when she moved in 10 months ago. I said, “No. I buy her
a bottle every month. On top of that she has coke with it which causes havoc
with her diabetes.”
Mother, as we know, does not take her medication because of
the side effects. The doctor told mum that not taking her medication was the
cause of her problems. When the doctor left, mum told me off for telling the
doctor that she drank a bottle of brandy a month. I said that she was in
denial. I have a wino for a mother. At which point mother said, “You’re a wino
too. You have a brandy and coke every time you visit me”. Touché, mother. Touché. But then I need a
stiff drink whenever I visit her!
Back to friends’ house to finish micro-waved lunch and dessert.
During which mum phoned me twice more to ask what pills she should take and not
take. I reminded her what the doctor has said. She needed to take ALL the
pills.
4 March 2013
Mum still in a lot of pain and her feet have swollen up like
balloons. However, she insisted that she needed a new brown hat to go with the
fawn coloured coat we’d bought. The fact that she already has a brown hat is
neither here nor there: she needs another one.
The thought of some retail therapy pushed her through the
pain barrier and we went out shopping. However, I noticed that once again mum
had painted her finger nails bright red: a colour she is always telling me she
hates. She has lost the nail varnish remover that I’d bought her the last time
she’d painted her nails this colour, and had tried to scrape off the nail
polish using a razor blade! The result looked as though she had she’d tried to
slash her wrists and blood had dripped down off her finger tips.
Once again she is not going to “be here long”, so she
doesn’t want the expense of a new hat. Having tried every second hand charity
shop in Exmouth, I took her to Budleigh Salterton. No luck. Took her into a
chemist to buy some more nail varnish remover. I couldn’t believe my ears!
Mother made a joke! She asked the sales assistant for some nail varnish remover
because her son had painted his toe nails red!! I’ve never heard her tell a
joke in my life! Is she mellowing? Is the morphine kicking in?
We then went to a garden centre for some “Shopping
Experience” and coffee and to see if they had any suitable hats. Panic! She’d
lost her handbag. After much searching around the hat department, I found that she’d
left it in the car. Had coffee and as we were leaving, a woman came chasing
after us. Mum had left her handbag in the cafeteria! When she is forgetting her
handbag, things are getting serious. Her memory is definitely going.
Bad memory or not, she still bought two large boxes of
chocolate biscuits. I told her not to, because she is diabetic. She said she likes
to give them away to people – i.e. she is bribing the staff to like her.
Got her back home and made a list of the times she is
supposed to take her morphine pills.
Three times during the afternoon she phoned me to ask which
pills she should take and not take. Told she had to take ALL of them!
5 March 2013
Decided to do a surprise visit on mum and check if she is
taking the medication. The answer is NO! Her excuse was that she didn’t know
what day of the week it was. But as I told her, the pills were there for EVERY
day of the week!
Noticed that her sucking machine for her tracheotomy was full of black mould. Phoned the nurse and asked them to look into it.
Noticed that her sucking machine for her tracheotomy was full of black mould. Phoned the nurse and asked them to look into it.
Mum phoned to say that the doctor had called and was going
to prescribe morphine patches because the morphine syrup was not strong enough.
She said that I have no idea of the gruesome pain that she is in. I tried to
explain that I did, because she kept telling me, and that was the reason I’d
been making sure she took her medication.
8 March 2013
Bought mum a new pill box: each day is divided into 4
sections.
When I arrived at mum’s, she was in the lounge with a few of
the other residents. One was playing the piano, another the violin, and mum and
a few others were singing, “When Irish eyes were smiling”. She didn’t see me,
but I could see her swaying to the music and singing away. As soon as she saw
me, her whole body language changed, she slumped into a “depression” and put on
her “poor me” face”.
She was very uncommunicative. She pushed an envelope into my
hand. It was a Mothers Day card from my eldest sister (opened, of course, “she
may not be with us on Mothers Day”). “Your sister’s asking me for money” she
said. It was a very funny card, extolling the virtues of mother on the front.
When you opened it, it said, “Can you lend me some money?” I thought it was
hilarious! “Why is she asking me for money?” mother asked. “She’s not,” I said,
“It’s a funny joke. She didn’t write that, it came as part of the card”. “Why
is she asking me for money?” “She’s not – it’s a joke.” Gave up trying to
explain and took her back to her room.
Sorted out all her pills for the coming week and put them in
the new pill box. “Why is she asking me for money” she said. “She’s NOT. It’s a
JOKE!”
On the way out, the House Manager, said to me, "By the
way, did you enjoy your guilt trip?" She had seen what mother had done
when she saw me walk into the lounge: the self-pity look.
9 March 2013
Made a surprise visit to mum to check up on her pills. The new
pill box was empty!
Me: Where are all
the pills I put in here for the next week?”
Mum: “They
weren’t in there.”
Me: “Yes they
were, I put them in there myself, yesterday”.
Mum: “I must have
taken them.”
Me: “Mum, I put
14 morphine pills in your pill box; enough for the whole week. If you’d taken
them all you’d be in a coma by now. You’ve thrown them away haven’t you?”
Mum: I don’t like
the side effects.
Me: “If you
didn’t take any, how do you know what the side effects are?”
Mum: “They make
me sleep”
Me: “They don’t
make you sleep. They make you normal. They take away the pain so that you can be
a normal 90 year old. Normal 90 year olds sleep all the time.
Mum: “I don’t
want to sleep, I’ve got things to do.”
Me: “Like what?
Which reminds me, one of the staff here asked if I was still doing your
laundry. What laundry? What’s happening about your bed linen?
Mum: “Was it the
little one that asked you?”
Me: “Yes”
Mum: “I don’t
like her; I give my washing to the other one. The one who’s here when the
little one is off.”
Me: “Good, I’ll
go and tell the House Manager that your washing is being done.”
Mum: “No! Don’t
do that. I do all my own washing.”
Me: “How do you
manage to wash and dry sheets?”
Mum: “What
happened to my tumble dryer? I can’t find it.”
Me: “You sold it
before you moved in 10 months ago, because you are not supposed to do your own
washing.”
Mum: “I move the
top sheet to the bottom, and wash the bottom sheet.
Me: "But
they need a good wash!”
Mum: “I’m not
dirty. I have a shower every night in case I die in my sleep.”
At which point I nearly wet myself laughing and felt in need
of a brandy. Went to the shop to get some diet coke.
Got back. Had stiff brandy and coke and put all her pills
for the week into the new pill box I’d bought for her. Gave her my Mothers Day
card with strict instructions not to open it until Mothers Day had arrived.
Mum: “Why is your
sister asking me for money?”
Me: “SHE’S NOT
ASKING YOU FOR MONEY. IT’S A JOKE! IT'S
A CARD ABOUT HOW WONDERFUL ARE. KEEP READING THE FRONT!!!!"
Refilled mum’s pill box.
11 March 2013
Went to check that mum was taking her medication. The pill
box was empty! She had taken out all the
morphine pills from the pill box, together with her blood pressure pills and
diabetic pills and thrown them away. She denied that they were ever in there,
even though I put them in there myself only two days ago.
Not only that, mum has crossed out the words “Morning, noon,
afternoon and evening” on the pill box so that on Sunday morning she took
Monday morning’s pills; Sunday noon, she took Tuesday morning’s pills; Sunday
afternoon she took Wednesday morning pills; Sunday evening she took Thursday
morning’s pills. She took four times the dose of her diabetic pills but didn't
take any blood pressure and no morphine pills. And I am the one who is in the
wrong!
She is in gruesome pain. I told her that it was because
she’d flushed the pain killers down the toilet and that she was wasting NHS
medication and the doctor’s time. I also told her I’d report her to her doctor.
She threw me out.
I went straight down to the Doctors’ Surgery and explained
the problem to the receptionist. She thought this was an emergency and that I
should see mum’s doctor. I explained the situation to the doctor and how mum
keeps phoning for a doctor but doesn’t take her medication. (Sure enough, mum
had phoned this morning to arrange another Doctor’s visit.) The doctor then asked
if I thought it was time for mum to go into residential care. I said “YES!”
A couple of hours later the doctor phoned me so say that
she’d visited mum and with my permission would contact Social Services to
arrange for mum to go into a Care Home. She'd put a morphine patch on mum’s
chest and I was to make sure it was still there the next I visit. Am
apprehensive about tearing off mum’s nightie and looking at her bosom.
This afternoon, Social Services contacted me. I explained
the situation and they are going to refer mum to the Complex Care Team.
13 March 2013
Social Services phoned me to say that the Complex Care team
didn’t think mother needed to go into residential care because she can dress
and wash herself. I said it wasn’t the physical problems, it was mum’s mental
problems that were the issue. They asked if a solution might be that a nurse
goes in everyday to see mum. I said they’d have to go in 4 times a day and
physically force the medication down her throat. They’re thinking about it.
16
March 2013
My mother doesn’t do conversation. She does, “monologue”. We
go out for coffee twice a week and I get the same stories, same list of moans
and complaints. I am learning to keep quiet and just to nod in the right places.
She is doing what they call “Emotional Housework.” Personally, I’d like to use the vacuum cleaner on her and just suck out all her negativity out once and fort all.
18 March 2013
Mother still in gruesome pain. Stuck a morphine patch on her and took her out for coffee.
21 March 2013
Mother still in gruesome pain. Stuck a morphine patch on her and took her out for coffee. She is till looking for a new hat.
23 March 2013
Phone call from House Manager. Mother has pulled the
emergency cord again. Mum wants a doctor to call – she’s in gruesome pain.
Could I go over and sort her out. Went over and stuck another morphine patch on
her. (They are supposed to last 4 days, but she rips them off). Gave her a
couple of paracetamol and a brandy and left.
24 March 2013
Phone her to ask how she was. Wish I hadn’t.
25 March 2013
Went to visit mum. She is still in gruesome pain. Stuck a morphine patch on her and
took her out for coffee. She said that she hasn’t spoken to a soul over the
weekend. This is a coded message for the fact that my middle sister hasn’t
phoned, because I phoned on Friday, I visited on Saturday and I phoned her on
Sunday. Also she kept telling me that my brother-in-law phones his mother every
Sunday at 10am.
Took mum to Topsham to look in the charity shops for a doll
to dress in a christening gown. (We have already exhausted all the shops in
Exmouth and Budleigh.) As usual, at every shop we went into she told them how
she worked for M&S. One of the assistants admired her coat. Mother then
went on to tell her how she made coats for M&S. News to me, and no doubt
M&S. No dolls but mum decided to buy
herself a bedspread instead.
We went into a coffee shop where an elderly lady breezed in
bright and cheery, waved her arms in the air like a windmill and said. “Hello”
to everyone. I said to her, “You’re cheerful”. She said, “I don’t believe in people
going out when they are miserable and spreading their gloom.” I said to her,
“Would you adopt me?” Mother wasn’t too happy and walked out.
When I got home I phoned the Hospice Care Nurse to ask if
she could help get mum put away. She was
very sympathetic. She gets the same stories from mum that I do regarding side
effects from medication and how she hates it where she lives. I said, “My
mother says you never visit her.” “Don’t worry,” she said, “She says the same
about you.” Although we’ve never met, I feel a great affinity with her. She
said she would phone me back tomorrow.
26 March 2013
The Hospice Care Nurse phoned. She’s been to visit mum (and
stuck a morphine patch on her whilst she was there). She’s spoken to Mum’s
doctor and the Complex Care Team. The outcome is that mum is a priority to go
into residential care. She’s gone to the top of the list! They will send me a
list of Care Homes. I will have to phone round to see who has space and then
take mum to visit to see which one she likes. The Hospice Care Nurse has spoken
to mum. “Your mother seems very happy about moving. Does she like moving?” she
asked.
27 March 2013
Mum phoned to say that a nurse had been to visit her and put
a morphine patch on and that she needed money to get a taxi to take her to the
dress material shop. I said I’d collect her in the morning and take her in
person.
28 March 2013
Went to visit mum and was collared by the House Manager. Mum
has told her that she is moving into a Residential Care Home. House Manager is
disappointed because mother is “No bother to look after”! The House Manager is a saint! I explained
that the Doctor is recommending the move for “Health Reasons”.
I took mum to a coffee shop, where she told me off for going
behind her back to have her “put away”. I explained that her Doctor had
recommended this, as had the Hospice Care Nurse. She needed more looking after
than where she is now can give. There was no 24 hour cover and the staff
couldn’t give her the support she needed.
Then took her to the dress material shop for more material.
She is spending a fortune on this ugly doll. She has now decided against
dressing it as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, and is going for a Scottish
Tartan look. I said, “What a good idea, you could take it with you when you
move to a Care Home in Scotland”. Despite the morphine patch, she is not in a
good mood.
When we got back to mum’s, a nurse arrived to see mum. When
she ascertained from House Manager that it wasn’t a Residential Home, she
wondered why she has been sent.
The nurse asked mum about the morphine patch and how long she’d
had it on. Mum said she’d put it on herself 3 days ago. Had to contradict her.
She had told me yesterday that a nurse had been and put the patch on. Mum denied this. She does everything herself
and has no need for any help. She's even been a guinea pig for consultants to “pass
out”. Showed the nurse how yesterday’s
nurse had written on the morphine patch packet the day and time she’d put the
patch on: 1pm, 27 March. Mum’s reaction
was, “I suppose you’re going to have me put away!”
The Nurse then asked what other medication mum was one and
mum produced her diabetic pills, which she takes everyday. Mum then said that her blood testing machine
wasn’t working and that she had to prick her finger with a sewing needle. The
nurse was horrified. Not that mum was pricking her finger with a sewing needle
but that she was testing her blood at all. The nurse made the mistake of
telling mum that her diabetes wasn’t serious enough for her to do a blood test
everyday. “I’ve got cancer!” mum screamed. I explained to the nurse that it was
the size of a grain of sand and wasn’t “busy” and wasn’t going to kill mother.
“He’s going to have me put away!” she screamed. The nurse saw that she had
touched mum’s incurable hypochondria and backed off. “I can see I am upsetting
your mother,” she said. “But there is no reason for her to check her blood
every day. A once a year test is sufficient.” “Should I take the kit away?” I
asked. Well this was like threatening to take a dummy away from a baby. Mother went ballistic and went on and on
about how she’s looked after herself without anybody’s help and how I was going
to have her put away into a mental hospital.
The nurse and I backed out of the room and left.
Spoke to the nurse outside about mum not taking her
medication. She said that when she comes on Sunday to put a new patch on she’ll
put it in the middle of her back so that mum can’t take it off.
Left a message with the Hospice Care Nurse. I still haven’t
heard from the Complex Care Team about putting mother away into the Workhouse /
Lunatic Asylum.
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