4 June 2012
Took my daughter and grandson to visit my mother. Mum gave
us the grand tour of her new place, including the dining room and lounge where
my daughter and grandson where proudly introduced to all the other residents. The
tour included her taking my grandson up and down in the lift several times, to
his great delight.
The residents have a stall in the lounge which sells a
variety of things, including on this occasion a percussion set, which my mother
bought for my grandson.
Then it was back to her room, unpack the percussion set and
have a jam session and singalong. Mum then went into a long ramble about how
she was going to leave the stuffed cat to my grandson (who was slightly
disappointed that he couldn’t take it with him now). Then we had a long
monologue (accompanied by percussion) from mum about how she hated the place.
5 June 2012
Had an email from my youngest sister to tell me that mother
is complaining that I took my daughter and grandson to visit her but only
stayed 6 minutes! Although she later modified this to 7 minutes. According to
my sister, my mother, in a rare flash of insight, twice referred to herself as
a “miserable cow”.
Mum also complained about my middle sister who never phones,
although her husband phones his mother every Sunday morning at 10am.
My eldest sister hit the jackpot and wasn’t complained about
at all. (Well, actually, she wasn’t even mentioned.)
Mother is going to start dressing dolls. My sister was skating on thin ice when she suggested that mother was becoming like her sister-in-law, our Aunty Ada, who also collected dolls and dressed them. Although Aunty Ada kept her “babies” in the top of the wardrobe whereas my mother plans to go into mass production and give hers away to charity shops. (Thankfully, mother has no great granddaughters to give them to.)
7 June 2012
Today was decidedly chilly with a severe frost warning. At
times I found myself skating on thin ice. A black cloud hung in the air and mother
had the look like thunder. And all because my brother in law phones his mother
EVERY Sunday morning at 10am. (Although mum says she doesn't worry about it any
more.)
She has not seen or heard from anyone. (This is code for my
middle sister) The fact that I'd visited
3 times this week, that she’d seen her grandson twice and had a visit from my
daughter and son-in-law, and had a phone call from my youngest sister doesn’t
count.
9 June 2012
Mum: Moan, moan, moan. I'm bored. Moan, moan, moan. I'm
fed up sitting in this room with nothing to do. Moan, moan, moan. No one talks
at meal times. Moan, moan, moan.
Me: What? Everyone eats in silence?
Mum: Only the ladies where I sit talk. The men don't
say a word.
Me: So people do talk then? I'm sure there are people
to talk to at morning coffee.
Mum: I don't go down for morning coffee. Moan, moan,
moan. No one talks. Moan, moan, moan.
Me: How about afternoon tea? I'm sure there are people
to talk to.
Mum: I won’t go
down for afternoon tea. Moan, moan, moan. No one talks. Moan, moan, moan. I sit
in my room on my own. Moan, moan, moan. Your sister has stolen my picture of
the old fisherman. Moan, moan, moan. She just took it off my wall. Moan, moan,
moan.
Me: I can't
believe that she would steal a picture. Didn't she ask you first?
Mum: Yes, Moan, moan, moan.
Me: How could
she have stolen it, then, if she asked and you said, “yes”?
Mum: Your sister’s husband phones his mother every
Sunday morning at 10am. Moan, moan, moan.
Me: We've stayed with them lots of times and we've
never seen him phone his mother on a Sunday. Are you sure he phones every
Sunday?
Mum: The house manager has given me a bag of clothes
to alter. Moan, moan, moan.
Me: But I thought you wanted to do sewing to stop you
getting bored.
Mum: They are not even her clothes! Moan, moan, moan.
They belong to her sister-in-law's kids. Moan, moan, moan. They want me to put
new zips in jeans. Moan, moan, moan. I'm not going to do sewing for people I
don't know. Moan, moan, moan. I'm trying to make a satin dress for a doll. Moan,
moan, moan. It has no arms. Moan, moan, moan. I'm having to sew the hands on to
the ends of the sleeves. Moan, moan, moan.
Me: Well, I suppose it's an ‘armless hobby.
13 June 2012
According to my mother my middle sister has not phoned since
my father’s funeral 7 months ago although her husband phones his mother every
Sunday morning at 10am. Neither of these things are true.
Mum is still making a silk dress for the doll she’d bought
at a charity shop. For some unknown reason she mutilated its arms and now she
wants me to buy some glue so she can stick the hands onto the ends of the
sleeves.
Had a phone call from the Estate Agents where mum used to
live to say that there were stains on the living room carpet that had to be
professionally removed. But also there was also a ½ inch circular hole in the
toilet cistern that wasn’t there when mum and dad moved in. How did that
happen?
19 June 2012
According to my mother my middle sister has not phoned since
Christmas. Although her husband phones his mother every Sunday morning at 10am.
Neither of these things are true.
On the way in, I was stopped by the cleaning lady. I was
astounded to be asked if I was still doing mum’s laundry. The cleaning lady had
been into mum’s room to ask for her bed clothes. My mother doesn't approve of
changing sheets every week so she told the woman not to bother because I was doing
all her washing!
Had words with mother about her hand washing all her clothes
and hanging them around the bathroom. With no ventilation, they will take weeks
to dry in there. Apparently she doesn’t want strangers handling her “smalls”.
She also said that she wants to get an electric scooter. I
explained that where she lived was too hilly. She said, "That's OK, it's
downhill all the way into town.” She was genuinely amazed that there might be a
hill coming up on the way home.
She hates where she lives because a man complained about her
sewing machine interfering with his TV. This happened three weeks ago, but in
mum's mind it only happened yesterday. She thought today, Tuesday, was Saturday.
She is till timing me from when I leave her room to when I
get to the car. Today I popped my head around the kitchen door to say hello to
the catering team. I explained that I couldn't stop because mother had her
stopwatch out. When I got to the car, she opened the window and shouted to me.
Mum: Why has it taken you so long getting to the car?
Did you stop by the office?
Me: No.
Mum: Where have you been then?
Me: Just said hello to a few residents and the
kitchen staff.
Mum: What did they say about me?
Mum is paranoid. Apparently the cook hates her because mum
refused to put zips into her sister-in-law’s, best friend's, boyfriend's jeans.
Hating the cook is another reason why mother is desperate to leave. Strangely, mum has also started to wear a turban.
It reminds me of when we used to go hop picking when I was a boy.
Mum has a problem with her sewing machine and needs a new
button-holing attachment. This is causing her great anxiety.
21 June 2012
Got thrown out again today. This time for contradicting
mother. Things like:
Mum: What are you doing here? You never come on a
Saturday.
Me: Today's Thursday.
Mum: It's Saturday!
Me: No, it’s Thursday.
or
Mum: I'm going to walk down into town to the sewing
machine shop.
Me: You can't it’s too far
Mum: I've done it before. It’s just down the hill.
Me: You have to catch a bus, a taxi or let me take
you. It’s too far for you to walk.
Mum: What do you mean? It’s only down the hill.
Me: No. it’s over a mile away
Mum: It’s not as far as that!
Me: Mum, you're thinking of where you lived before. Then
it was just down the hill.
Mum: It’s just along on the left, past the church.
Me: Yes, where you lived before. But you live in a
different town now.
or
Mum: I’m in excruciating pain. It's gruesome.
Me: Are you taking the pain killers?
Mum: I've taken two paracetamol this morning.
Me: No mum. Are you taking the codeine the doctor
gave you? You are supposed to take 2 four times a day.
Mum: I just want to die.
Me: The codeine doesn't prolong life, but it does
make the life you have more comfortable and pain free.
Mum: I wish I was
dead.
Me: Well in the mean time, take the codeine so you
can die in comfort.
or
Me: Why are you wearing that turban again?
Mum: My hair needs doing and I can't get to the
hairdressers.
Me: But a hairdresser comes here every week.
Mum: No they don't
Me: Yes they do. Its one of the things that attracted
you to move here.
Mum: Why are you always contradicting me? GET
OUT!!!!! GET OUT!!!
My mother makes Peggy Mitchell (of EastEnders) seem
positively friendly.
Popped my head around the kitchen door to say hello to the
House Manager.
Me: I can't stay long to chat because my mother times
me to see how long I take to get to the car.
House Manager: Yes, I know. After you've gone she
comes down to see me and asks what you've been saying about her.
Me: Yes, she says the same to me about you.
House Manager: Don't worry, I tell her we talk about
the weather.
Me: Well, that's true. It’s always frosty here.
House Manager: I was on holiday last week and your
mother had a row with my deputy over people parking outside her window. I don't
know how many times we've told her, she knew the room overlooked the car park
before she moved in. The deputy was so upset she phoned me. I reassured her not
to take it personally. I told her, Maggie doesn't talk to her daughters and
gives her son a hard time.
Two hours later when I got home I had a phone call from mum
to apologize. She didn't really want to apologize, but she doesn't have anyone
else to help her. She'd had a letter from the Estate Agents saying that they
had deducted £250 from her deposit at her old place to cover the cost of
cleaning the carpets, where dad had had an accident, and to replace the toilet
cistern cover that had a hole in it.
22 June 2012.
Today mum showed me a cutting from the newspaper about a sewing
machine shop. I pointed out that their address was 10 miles away in Exeter. And
anyway, mum doesn't need a new sewing machine, she just needs a new
button-holing attachment for her current one. I went around town looking for a
shop that sells sewing machine parts. There weren't any. I was recommended to
go to the shop in Exeter. Phoned mum & arranged to take her to Exeter.
23 June 2012
Arrived at mum's to take her to shop in Exeter. She gave me
the cutting from the newspaper.
Me: This isn't the newspaper cutting that you showed
me yesterday.
Mum: It's an advert for someone selling a sewing
machine.
Me: You don't need another sewing machine. You just
need a button-holing attachment.
Mum: I want something to do to keep my mind occupied.
Working out how it works will stop me going crazy.
Me: You are crazy! Only crazy people want to buy a
new sewing machine when all they need is a button-holing attachment. And
anyway, there’s no address. How do we know where to go?
Mum: Haven't you phoned them? I thought you were
going to phone them.
Me: No! You've only just given me this cutting from
the newspaper. It was a different cutting yesterday.
Mum: Phone them up now.
Me: It says it comes with a cabinet. How am I going
to get it into the car? How am I going to carry it? I'll take you to the sewing
machine shop and you can buy another button-holing foot.
The whole 10 mile journey into the city the conversation
went in a loop.
Mum: I'm very disappointed I'm not getting another sewing
machine.
Me: You don't need another sewing machine!
Mum: Working out how to use it will give me something
to do and stop me going crazy.
Me: Only crazy people would want to buy a new sewing
machine when all they needed was a small part for their old machine.
Mum: My back is gruesome.
Me: That's because you are not taking the pain
killers.
Mum: The lumps on my legs are gruesome.
Me: That's because you've refused to tell the doctor
and so they’re not being treated.
Mum: Ouch. Mind those bumps in the road - my hip is
gruesome.
Me: That's because you've refused to tell the doctor
and so it’s not being treated.
Mum: I'm very disappointed I'm not getting another sewing
machine.
Me: You don't need another sewing machine! Etc. etc.
etc.
Stopped the car outside the shop so that mum could go in
whilst I parked. Mum couldn't remember
the make of her sewing machine, nor could she find the broken button-holing attachment!
The city centre came to a halt with traffic backing up behind me as mum
rummaged through her handbag and pockets for said attachment. "I've left
it at home", she said. "No you haven't, you kept showing it to me all
the way here.” Eventually, I had to drive off to release the traffic jam that
had built up. Then she found it in her handbag! I drove round the block,
dropped her off and went to park the car.
When I went into the shop I was greeted by the proprietor
like some long lost cousin.
Man: You must be
the son.
Me: How do you
know?
Man: Your mother
called me out yesterday to service her sewing machine. Whilst I was there she
told me the family history?
Me: "What?
Why have we come, mother, when you've already seen this man yesterday?"
She denied all knowledge that the man had come yesterday.
Fortunately, the man insisted that it was yesterday.
Mum: I want to get another sewing machine.
Me: You don't need another sewing machine!
Mum: Working out how to use it will give me something
to do and stop me going crazy.
Me: Only crazy people would want to buy a new sewing
machine when all they needed was a small part for their old machine
We bought the new button-holing attachment for £4.50. This
compares nicely with some of the new sewing machines that were selling for
£6,400. (No, that's not a typing error.)
Back into the car to drive home.
Mum: I'm very disappointed I'm not getting another sewing
machine.
Me: You don't need another sewing machine!
Mum: Working out how to use it will give me something
to do and stop me going crazy.
Me: Only crazy people would want to buy a new sewing
machine when all they needed was a small part for their old machine.
Mum: My back is gruesome.
Me: That's because you are not taking the pain
killers.
Mum: The lumps on my legs are gruesome.
Me: That's because you've refused to tell the doctor
and so they’re not being treated.
Mum: Ouch. Mind those bumps in the road - my hip is
gruesome.
Me: That's because you've refused to tell the doctor
and so it’s not being treated.
Mum: I'm very disappointed I'm not getting another sewing
machine.
Me: You don't need another sewing machine! etc etc
etc.
Stopped off at the garden centre for a cappuccino in the
hope of changing the subject. Subject was successfully changed.
Mum: I've not heard from a soul.
Me: Have you tried phoning people?
Mum: They're always out.
Me: Keep trying.
Mum: I know for a fact that your brother-in-law
phones his mother every Sunday morning at 10am. I'm very disappointed I'm not
getting another sewing machine.
Me: You don't need another sewing machine! Etc. etc.
23 June 2012
Mum had a fall this morning and was taken to Exeter
hospital. Nothing was broken and she is being transferred to the local
Community Hospital for a few days. Some
suspicious people might think she did it deliberately to make my sisters phone
her.
24 June 2012
Had an emergency phone call from local Community Hospital.
Mum's been there 10 minutes and already the staff are pulling their hair out.
Can I please go over there NOW and calm her down. She hates it there. She is
complaining about everything!!!!!!!!!! Already, she is demanding a different
room. I felt so sorry for the nurse. I told her not to take it personally but
that my mother is always like that!!
Got to the hospital and was met by the nurse who'd phone me
earlier. She said mum wouldn't get into bed because her son was going to
collect her to take her home. The nurse seem disappointed when I said I
wouldn't until they had sorted mum out. The nurse said that mum won’t see the
doctor until tomorrow, in the meantime they'd like to give her some
tranquilizers. YES GIVE THEM TO HER!!!!!!!! Failing that, I'll take them
myself.
Mum is in an NHS hospital that is like a private nursing
him. Superb facilities, all en suite. But mum insisted that I take her home.
She hasn't got long to live and wants to spend her remaining days (days?) in
her own home. I refused. She insisted. I refused. She's going to get a taxi.
With what? She has no money on her. Anyway, I managed to stay 20 minutes. I
reported back to the nurse and told her all the "gruesome" things
that are wrong with mum and that they should keep her in there until it’s all
sorted.
25 June 2012
My eldest sister got a mention today for the first time in
months. Mum wanted to know if my eldest sister knew she was in hospital. I
said, “yes ". And then I thought, "Oh dear, mum knows that my sister
knows she'll be expecting a get well card or flowers at the very least."
Anyway, it may be a sign that my eldest sister is moving up the pecking order,
particularly because my middle sister’s husband phones his mother every Sunday
morning at 10am wherever he is in the world.
Spoke to the physiotherapist who told me that mum had told her
how badly she treats me. Well that’s a first. She actually is aware of how
badly she treats me. I said, "Did
she tell you how badly she treats my sisters as well?" Then the physio
said, "You have to remember she is still grieving for your father."
"No," I said, “she’s always treated us badly. Over the years, she's
fallen out with every member of her family, all her neighbours and she has no
friends. She is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder - which means
whatever you do is wrong." "Yes," said the Physio, "She
does have a problem with control". "That's putting it mildly!” The
Physio then went on to say that they want to put mum on codeine for pain
control. I said, "Don't bother. She's supposed to be taking 8 a day now
and won’t. She wants to die and she thinks painkillers are prolonging her life.
She's also stopped using the morphine patches." Then the physio had the
nerve to say, "Oh she could go on for a long time yet." THANK YOU
MISS PHYSIO !!!!
26 June 2012
I've discovered the ideal way of visiting mum in hospital. I
park the car in a one hour parking slot. I go in and spend 5 minutes visiting
and then ask if she would like a newspaper. I then amble around town, buy her a
newspaper, take it into a coffee shop and spend 45 minutes reading it over a
cappuccino and a slice of cake, go back and spend another 5 minutes with her
and then say I've got to go because the parking ticket has run out. Why have I never
thought of this before?
Mum is in a two bed room. There are no "wards"
just rooms with two beds. The elderly lady in the other bed is obviously very
old, frail and extremely ill. Mum didn't
have a very good night and decided to catch up on her sleep this afternoon. A nurse
came and woke her saying that the doctor was coming to see the old lady,
together with her family, and would like to talk to them privately, would mum
mind leaving the room and go to the lounge. Mum went ballistic! How dare they
ask her to leave! Don't they know how ill she is? How much she is in need of
sleep? I tried to explain to mum that there was probably a very serious reason
why the doctor need to talk privately with the family, One can only suppose it
was bad news - all to no avail.
The nurse was completely taken aback by mum’s behaviour and
mentioned to me how mum's moods/personality can switch so suddenly. I told her
not to take it personally but that mum was schizophrenic. Let’s hope that they put
this in mum’s notes.
Mum insisted on accompanying me to the exit. On the wall
outside every room there were containers of disposable rubber gloves.
Out side room 10
Mum: Why don't you take some of those rubber gloves?
Me: They are for the staff to use. I don't need any
rubber gloves.
Outside room 9
Mum: Why don't you take some of those rubber gloves?
Me: Mum, they are for the staff to use. I don't need
any rubber gloves.
Outside room 8
Mum: Why don't you take some of those rubber gloves?
No one will know.
Me: Mum, they are for the staff to use. I don't need
any rubber gloves!
Outside room 7
Mum: Look, there are some more gloves? Here let me
get you some.
Me: Mum, I don't plan to stick my fingers up anyone's
bum. I don't need surgical rubber gloves!
Later, had a phone call. An ambulance is taking mum home
tomorrow.
28th June
Got round to mum's to discover that she'd taken her sewing
machine apart, lost a screw, and couldn't get it to work. It's the great thing
about mum not having a sense of humour, you can make insulting jokes and she
doesn't know. "Have you always had a screw loose?" "People with
a screw loose often lose things".
Mum’s blood pressure is sky-high. I reminded her that the
hospital had told her to take things easy and not to put herself under pressure
by doing sewing for people. She said she'd "go crazy" if she didn't
do any sewing. I just said, "Mum you are crazy if you don’t do what the
hospital has said." I got down on my hands and knees and searched the
carpet but to no avail.
Mum has decided that she wants my wife’s sewing machine. Mum
said that she wasn’t going to be here long and that my wife could have it back
when she's dead. I remembered how many sewing machines mum has ruined over the
years, and said, No. But I did promise to come back tomorrow, and if she
couldn't find the screw, we'd go shopping for another sewing machine.
9pm I had a phone call from the emergency support people for
where mum lives. Mother has pulled the
emergency cord: none of the power sockets work in her room and she can't use
her sucking machine for her tracheostomy. Can I go over there and re-set the
switch in the fuse box? I explained that she lives in a communal house and
doesn't have her own fuse box. So they asked me what they should do because where
mum lives, doesn’t provide 24 hour cover and doesn’t have an out of hours phone
number! I told them that they were the 24 hour emergency cover so it's up to
them to deal with it. It’s what they are there for. If mother is choking to
death because her sucking machine isn't working, they should send an ambulance.
Phoned mother 3 times and got no answer. This means that the
phone isn't working because there is no electricity or she’s choked to death or
more likely she’s in a huff and not answering the telephone
29 June 2012
Went to visit mother to see if she was alright. The car park
was empty. I chose not to upset her by parking near her window. I met the House
Manager in the corridor. She’d got called out of bed last night to flick the
switch in the fuse box. Everything is OK and she didn't think mum's new sewing
machine had anything to do with it. Mum's new sewing machine? New sewing machine? What new sewing machine?
Apparently, mum had seen a second hand sewing machine for
sale in the local paper and sent the House Manager to get it for her. (She
probably suspected that I wouldn't approve). At this point mother turned up to
ask why I was taking so long to get from the front door to her room and what
were we saying about her. I explained that I had phoned three times last night
and got no answer and was worried, and I was just asking about the power cut
and wondering if her new sewing machine had caused the problem. Mum assured us
that she hadn't used the new machine yesterday and that she wasn't answering
the phone.
Got down to her room and my suspicions were immediately
aroused. The telephone wasn't plugged into the electrical socket, and that was
the reason it wasn't ringing. I noticed, however, that the new sewing machine
was plugged into the telephone electric socket and the socket was switched off.
I turned the socket on and the new sewing machine jumped into life. I
frantically looked for an off switch - there isn't one. Turned it off at the
electric socket.
Me: How do you turn
it off, mum?
Mum: I don't
know, that's what happened to me last night.
Last night? Mmmm. Had a look at the instruction manual.
(This, by the way, looks as if it was printed in the 1950s.) There is no on/off
switch - just the foot pedal. Checked the foot pedal - it appears to be permanently
on. Had a closer look, and noticed scorch marks. The power foot pedal has burnt
out. (I wonder if this had anything to do with the power cut last night?)
Me: Mum, you've bought a second hand sewing machine
that doesn't work.
Mum: But it's a bargain. It only cost me £45,
Me: It's not a bargain if it doesn't work!
Mum: I'll get the sewing machine repair man in. Even
if it costs me £100, it's still a bargain.
Me: But he sells reconditioned sewing machines for
£100. We were going to go back there today. That's why I've come.
Mum: That machine's worth a lot of money. I haven't
got long here, when I'm gone you can sell it.
Me: BUT IT DOESN'T WORK !
Mum: It can't be
the machine, the woman who sold it to me said she'd only used it for making
curtains. (Yes, since 1953, I thought to myself.)
At that point, the House Manager came in and said that an
electrician was coming to check the house electrics. (Goodness knows how much
that will cost the Home.) I asked if the electrician could take a look at the
power foot pedal.
Me: What do you want to do with your old sewing
machine?
Mum: Take it down to a charity shop
Me: It's no good taking it to a charity shop if it
doesn't work, if there's a screw missing.
Mum: It works OK. I found the screw and mended it.
Me: What made you buy a second hand sewing machine
that doesn't work when you have a sewing machine that does work?
Mum: It was a bargain.
Me: BUT IT DOESN'T WORK!!!!
Mum: I'm not going to be here long and when I'm dead your
wife can have it
Me: My wife has a sewing machine. And anyway this one
doesn't work.
Walked down the corridor with the House Manager who was
feeling guilty about going to collect the sewing machine. I just said,
"Welcome to Maggie's world". My mother has a history of buying
"bargains" that don't work. She once gave me a radio cassette player
she'd bought at a car boot sale. It didn't work. When I told her, she just
said, "Yes I know - but it was a bargain".
Got to the car when mum opened her window and shouted,
Mum: Why have you been so long getting to the car?
What have you been talking to the Manager about that you didn't want me to
hear?
Me: I was just reassuring her. She was feeling guilty
about getting the sewing machine.
Mum: Why have you parked over there?
Me: Because you don't like people parking by your
window.
Mum: Yes, but you've parked too far away, someone
could park between your car and my window and block out the light.
Me: No one has and I'm leaving now so it doesn't
matter.
Mum: Well, just remember for next time.
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